REMEMBERING TO DREAM
"I don't think I have ever been so scared in my life. I feel like everything is being taken away from me. I need your help. I need you to step in now. I need to feel some safety and support". This was my journal prayer the morning I gave birth to Wolf & Owl.
When people talk about living your dreams they don't often share the initiation journey - the part where you meet your shadows, the constant battle between surrender and resistance. It is definitely there - the whole bundle of it, or at least it was for me.
Wolf & Owl started (unbeknownst to me) from a soul calling that seems to be slowly linking all of my journeys together AND taking me towards the energetic space I have always known I wanted to live from which is to live authentically, powerfully, fully, from my truth and to have a deep relationship with god/life/spirit where I am in trust and feel guided. I have never wanted to walk another persons path although I have tried on numerous occasions.
Creating a skin care range was not where I saw my professional future (and I am accepting that this too may change). Mentoring women to live their dream was. Of course that meant I had to initiate myself into living mine first and Wolf & Owl is the vehicle to take me there.
It was a gift from something other worldly (dreamspace?) because it happened so extraordinarily, so mysteriously that the details are smokey but the the energy I felt when I spelt FLOW backwards (from my health coaching business) and then found owl in the same word, still gives me crazy unlogical energy.
Initially I was going to call it Owl & Wolf (how odd that sounds now) but that was taken in the cyber world so she became Wolf & Owl, which is important really because Wolf was the first to come. For those of you who do not know Wolf was huge for me because I used to have a terrifying recurring nightmare about a wolf when I was a child. Both the owl and wolf are super symbolic in the indigenous dreaming worlds which was not really my world but owl too was a childhood animal through the morepork (litte New Zealand native owl) who used to call me to sleep at night. Both of these relate to night time and dreaming. The more I look into these two words the more symbolism I find relating to me and to my dreams.
The journey so far is leading me directly into a blossoming relationships with plants, to working in the more mysterious realms, to being more and more in reverence to our earth each day and to connecting women to their dreams and intuitive urges.
I feel strongly that when we live from this way healing of our selves, our ancestors, our communities and planet happens. Who knows if this prophecy is true I certainly don't, and I don't feel that is my job, it is just a vibration that lives within me and my job is to listen, trust and follow no matter what, so it seems.
Yesterday I birthed Wolf and Owl with her first ceremonial workshop. The women that attended were my friends and tribe - thank goodness. The month leading up to now has been like a fuck wild sandstorm.
My security/rent food etc job ended
I decided to step into the void
I asked for initiation
I birthed a medicine drum (has given me the tools to birth W&O)
My car needed work
My tooth broke (my nemesis)
There have been so many days of visiting my fears and unworthiness and when the morning arrived for the ceremony above I woke up in full contractions.
My first thoughts of the day were "I don't know if I can do this, I am not sure I am enough", this was strong in me, anxiety heart beat strong. Somewhere in my mind I remembered the women who were coming and I realised I had 7 midwives coming to help me. That reassured me enough to get me through teaching a yoga class.
While I was getting all I needed for the ceremony, flossing my teeth in between, a piece of my tooth came out. Having battled with my teeth my whole life and the shame that came with that, and spending more money on my teeth than anything I have in my possessions, knowing that my bank balance was depleting, rapidly, I went into full body panic. I was inches away from total collapse, exhausted. I couldn't collapse though, this baby NEEDED to be birthed - TODAY. And so it was. Beautifully, not without its challenges, but authentically, truthfully and with love.
If you are still reading this thank you. What I want to acknowledge is my gratitude for this journey as it leads me back to myself, far differently than my yoga practice or any other journey I have undertaken so far.
Following dreams is a mysterious sometimes violent beast and with it it brings colour, magic, truth, healing and so much more, it is not for the faint-hearted but can make the faint-hearted warriors.